Confuse Me Like You Mean It

What are we? I really don’t understand what we have. Sometimes we’re friends, sometimes we’re more than just that and sometimes, I’m just a mere stranger to you. One minute you’re talking to me as if I’m something special and the next minute you’re talking to me as if I mean nothing to you. One day you pay so much attention to me and then the next day you completely ignore me. Don’t fuck with my feelings because you’re unsure about yours. Grow up and talk to me when you’re done treating people like you own them.

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Choosing Myself This Time

I think I have spoiled people enough by always being there for them. You need someone to do an essay for you? You need a photographer that will also do the post-processing of your picture? I’m there. Need a little help? Want me to accompany you on buying your clothes? Done and done. Or maybe even something deeper and existential? Like you need me because you broke up with your boyfriend or you need someone like me because you had a fight with your parents? I’ll go above and beyond, stretching myself further than ever before. Then I realize, why all this energy expense? Because I care, maybe a little too much. 

But the same isn’t necessarily accorded to me. I feel left out. I feel taken for granted. To be honest, on moments like where I’m in these past several weeks even until now, I feel alone. It shouldn’t matter, because I’ll always just be there, right? 

Truth be told, I am exhausted. And at this point, if you aren’t going to give the same value to whatever form of bond (and bind) we have then it’s about high time I just be the selfish, cold-hearted binch, and self-centered human I am all too often portrayed as. I’ll need to be there for myself in as much I am there for practically anyone because I deserve whatever I put out to the world. I think so.

This time, I will care about myself more, because no one else seems to anyway. 

Keeping The World Silent

I bought a new earphone—an expensive one. The one which has powerful bass and clarity as clear as water and 3D sound that makes you feel you’re hearing the artists performing their song live.

Why this one? Imagine that when you were outside and you can’t hear people talk about bullshits and do fake compliments to one another, isn’t it great? 

I invest on earphone and headphone. This is the third time I bought this brand. It lasts for a year. It’s totally worth your money. 

Going back, I can see, I mean I can hear the changes again. I cannot hear the barker’s voice anymore telling the passengers in his forceful voice that they ride the ‘express’ trip and it’s not going to drop people elsewhere they wanted to be; a point-to-point trip. I don’t hear the engine of the ten-wheeler trucks on the expressway. I don’t hear those voices of insensitive human beings making gossips about their co-workers and people debating about what basketball team is the greatest inside the jeepney or the train going to school. I don’t hear them talking behind my back. I blocked noises and that’s good. I don’t want to hear the trash this planet mutters. I hate to hear people complain about everything like they were the only one that’s hurting.

Let There Be Rain

Wishing for it to rain is so unnecessary just like people wishing me to be okay. Its getting worst than ever, I can feel it. This inexplicable mood I’m in right now. 

That feeling where there is no one to curse the Universe for treating me so badly. Anyways, I wouldn’t care if someone tell me these oh-so-poetic words because in the first place planet Earth isn’t my first choice to live in with all the shits that had happened and has been happening until now. 

If I sit on the edge of another planet (not a member of the Flat Earth Society or any flat-planet shippers) and look down on Earth and listen to the people living in it, it feels like I can hear all the sound of the Earth getting trashier and that’s the time I will be sorry for everything.

I feel bad for all of us. That’s all.

My Mind Wants Me Dead And It’s Totally Fine

For those who noticed that I lost track of my social media accounts for the past three days… thank you. And to those who did not… I thought you were my friends. Knowing all along that you were not.

I don’t know what’s going on in my mind last Friday, March 9. I know that I should dress according to the occasion but ever since the first day of that week I’m not in the mood to live life… even until now. That Saturday morning, March 10, at exactly 3 in the morning I did my article first. An hour after that I packed the things I needed for the coming days. And just like that… boom. I am nowhere to be found.

Morning breeze creeps into my face telling me that I am not yet numb. I took the bus going somewhere where I don’t need to spend much of my money but I can feel that “space” I badly need. I arrived there before lunch. 

I wanted to be alone. I wanted to sulk. I wanted to feel every single emotion I have that I never got to tell my friends— wait, what friends. I remember telling certain people that I am hurt whenever they bring up guys in the past. They didn’t stop. They didn’t refrain from talking about those guys I told them. I feel like they’re using it now against me. I shouldn’t have shared those things. I should have kept everything to myself. 

Fortunately, there is music that fits what I’m feeling. I’m glad that the universe is strange enough for music to exist. I wasted my time listening to music, looking at the window, feeding birds, and watering plants. 

When I got home tonight, I opened my social media accounts. None of my friends personally and on group chats I’m in asks where am I or where on earth have I been for the past couple of days. Nobody asked those questions. No one asked me personally how I’m doing or where the hell am I because they are worried. 

You will know who are there for you on times like this. Messages from my cousins, grandma, aunts, and from my mom, made me cry. That explains that I am loved by my family. 

Its just sad that those people you expected when you needed them the most won’t be there for you. Though I didn’t expect anything like that from my family, I owe them my life.

My mind wants me to unfriend people on Facebook until my 250 Facebook friends become 100. I don’t feel like attending any school events for the following days. I’m even planning to ditch graduation. I want to go on a vacation right now. Years ago, I remember that I was planning to donate my organs. I think it might be time.

Why does life always make us feel that existence is a major inconvenience? 

Wandering Thoughts

Nothing compares to a late night walk with my best of friends. We just let our thoughts be taken away by the dark. We lose ourselves from that delusion of finding utopia. Striding out of nowhere, traversing that path less travel by many.

I want to get lost with them.

Imagining what destination we will be in. The problem with us is that we were constantly thinking that someday we will be happy. That feeling, you know, where we will get that car for our midnight adventures or that job that will give us money for our local trip or our out-of-the-country escapades, or finding that right person in our lives that will fix everything. But we were wrong thinking that happiness as a destination.

Talking with these people who has such great minds helps me understand that it is not a destination. Happiness is a condition. It’s like being angry or sad after watching 500 Days Of Summer, or feeling sorry for me after hearing my story about that guy in the past; what we felt is not permanent, it comes and it goes, and i think that’s okay. If people would only think that way, they’d find happiness a lot more often.

There is a rarity of good people. It’s a needle in a haystack. I am fortunate to have them. I really do.

Enchanted Kingdom: The Tale Of A Magical Place

I was able to experience what it’s like to live in utopia for about a day; exactly at my birthday! I couldn’t hide my excitement to be here in this place again for the third time. It feels so good to reminisce that seven-hour euphoria again. I wanted to be happy and to get away from everything so I really asked my best friend to join me since her birthday was two days before mine and we can bond again after weeks of not seeing each other.

It was the first time for us to go together far from her hometown. So I thought this was one of those “best friend moments” we have created and we will be creating that will be added on our memories.

I had two options for my birthday celebration, the first one is to hike Mount Daraitan in the province of Rizal, and to experience again this magical place. So I chose the latter. There’s a lot of promos everywhere for birthday celebrants. Buffets, salons, travel fares, theme parks, etc. I checked Enchanted Kingdom’s website to see if they are giving away discounts for people who wants to celebrate their special day on their theme park. Gladly, I was not disappointed. Mine and Laviña’s (my best friend) entrance ticket will be free, we just need to show them our birth certificate and any valid ID. We were really elated because we didn’t spend our money for the tickets and we still have so much money to spend on foods and souvenirs.

That day I tell myself that we will make the most out of it because again I really wanted to make myself happy and see myself to genuinely smile again after a very long time. I want to unlearn some of my negative behavior and thought patterns. I have too much reality so I want to forget all that. I want to feel the wind blowing my hair while riding their Space Shuttle. I want to chase the sunset inside the gondolas of their Wheel of Fate. Shouting with people I don’t know while going 180° on their Anchors Away. Going back to my younger self atop the horses of their Grand Carousel. I want to make memories. I want to feel alive again. That’s all.

I was so stoked when I knew I would be spending my special day with my best friend. First thing that came to my mind: HAPPINESS. We started to go on wheels in the morning so we will be there before lunchtime. I can still remember how it felt to wake up really happy and with full of excitement. Though, I was dragging myself out of bed that time because it was too early and the weather outside is telling me not to take a bath and to just stay on bed. But I got up really quick. I’m in my black and gold satin long-sleeved polo, beige-ish cropped trouser, and in my two-inch height boots. I am golden! I must say.

We got there 30 minutes before the park opens. So we took a couple of photos outside. Finally, after the EK employees welcomed us on their dancing shoes we went first to take photos with Eldar and a princess-i-don’t-know.

We managed our time very well—experienced different rides and taking photos here, there, and everywhere. The intermittent drizzle won’t stop us from having fun. And in the words of a singer-I-don’t-know and from a song-I-barely-heard “nothing’s gonna stop us now”.

We enjoyed all the rides we have been to. But what I liked most about that day is we were able to ride the Space Shuttle thrice, the first one was an hour before the two consecutive rides on the late afternoon. A heart-pounding and an exhilarating ride I will never forget. I screamed on top of my lungs. I didn’t mind at all what will going to happen on my vocal chords. I screamed like there is no tomorrow. Yelling all the negativities I had into thin air until it vanished.

My favorite part of my birthday is that from all the employees assigned on the turnstiles located at entrance to welcome guests, to the employees tasked to help the people before and after enjoying the rides, up to the animated performers on the park’s avenues—greeted us a cheerful “Happy Birthday!”. How do they know that it’s our birthday? Well, at the entrance they gave us the pink-bracelet-like-tickets that means it’s our hella-day (also it means that we didn’t pay for the tickets because we don’t have the money. Lol.) Literally beaming because I can’t count all the birthday greetings I received from people I don’t know personally. What a nice gesture, right?

I realized that I was really blessed to live a life full of experience, either bad or good. I can say that I have lived the past 19 years of my life worth reading. Given the chance, I would really want to go back to Enchanted Kingdom once again anytime soon. I wouldn’t mind If it rains hard or I am alone. Every so often, I get this feeling of longing for my life when I was a kid with nothing too serious to think about. It was a whole lot different from how my life is going at present. I can say that my seven-hour stay in Enchanted Kingdom would be one of the best birthday celebrations I had as well as the best moments of my life.