Blue Lights

I know that he is no longer there

gone

half of him.

Trapped

crying out for help

he have once cried out.

A companion

a friend

she took him there

they were unlucky.

Now it came back

comes in series

no one can hear him

screaming

raging

rending his brain

as he appeal to anyone

to help him.

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Chocolate Spread

About to sleep with an empty stomach

Unbothered by its sound like a colliding truck

Fleeing butterflies from the groaning tubes,

Unstuck from the chambers; now it freely moves

Two silver coins saved the monster from death

Psyched up for the imminent ending he once have met

Devouring the buns slowly and listening intently as she spoke

Tears cascading from its eyes and now the breads are soaked

She talked about standing up and never falling down again

Bringing umbrella to endure the raging rain

On braving the storm amidst the excruciating pain

To never give up until the monster find its peace

She looked at its eyes and said “Promise me dear, please.”

Breaking Point and Broken Promises

I didn’t go to Oriental Mindoro. I didn’t follow her. She went there all alone. Change of plans; change of priorities. Surprised by her sudden decisions. Oh, nah. I was the only one I guess who is caught by surprise. My aunts knew it and I didn’t. She kept secrets. I want her to learn from the decision she have made and regret it. I want to learn something from this. I want to know how it feels to be really independent. When I reached her age, I don’t want to have her idea of what “relationship” is.

How I’m Doing Lately | 02

I just cried to my best friend, Rizza hours ago before I started writing this entry. I never cried that hard on the phone to anybody before. But this time it was really unbearable. I did also texted two of my other best friends if I can call them but no one bothers to reply. It was only Rizza Romero who answered in just millisecond and I would never forget that.

To give you a recap of what was happening to my life. I talked about it on my first entry to my Oh Well, It’s Sunday but I didn’t elaborate it that much. Just the tip of the iceberg and not what is under the surface. So, today I’m going to talk about what is below the surface that keeps on pulling me and has been the reason why I am drowning.

It was somewhere on the first week of January when I got the news from my mum that she bought a lot in Bulalacao, Oriental Mindoro. I was surprised but not happy because I have known her for a long time and I knew what is going on her mind. She wanted us to move—for good. And ever since that first week of January, my world became pitch black. This is the nightmare I have been dreaming of for a couple of days now. The one where I’m in the shore walking towards the sea and the water gradually pulls my body underneath. The drowning. But there is a part of me that keeps thinking if only I could get back to sleep, then it wouldn’t hurt anymore. I preferred my bad dreams to the pain I am feeling right now.

Fast forward, we’re moving to Oriental Mindoro this coming Tuesday, February 19. Rizza know everything about this because she’s the only one who listens to my disastrous life story. We’re starting to pack our bags and luggages so on Tuesday we don’t have to worry what we left behind. The things we will leave behind—our two dogs. That’s the reason why I called Rizza and I couldn’t help myself from crying because my mum wanted to leave our dogs to my grandfather’s welfare. We have talked about this stuff already and there is already a concrete plan and today she’s trying to change it. She went to the vet earlier today to ask for our dog’s travel permits. She said that it will cost around P5,000 or P6,000 for us to be able to take our pets with us and with that amount of money she is willing to leave our dogs behind and move on from our life without them. We’ve had an argument and I was really mad and I was aware that my voice is slowly raising but I don’t care. It lasted for a couple of minutes before I walked out and got to my grandfather’s house. That’s the time I was able to speak to Rizza.

I told her everything and she just stayed on the line listening to me sobbing while my voice is cracking. Rizza is the only person who knows that we’re moving away. It seems like my other friends doesn’t care unless they get to read this.

No Such Thing as Too Much Love for The 1975

I fell asleep last night listening to The 1975’s latest album A Brief Inquiry Into Online Relationships. I was hoping that the world would be different when I woke. In the morning, when I opened my eyes, the world was the same. I threw off the sheets and went to the speaker and plugged in the aux to my phone. I still want to hear Matty’s voice on their album I like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it.

I danced to the band’s Somebody Else the way Matty dances to it whenever he’s holding a glass of wine. Well, in my case I’m holding a remote control if that’s want you want to know. It’s one of my favorite songs from the band. Singing every words from the song to my nonexistent ex. That’s what I’m feeling everytime I hear and sing Somebody Else. Well, I was twenty-one and haven’t been into any relationship and I’m boring and miserable. But fortunately I have The 1975.

Fuck the weather here in Bulacan. One moment it’s really cold and now as far as I was concerned, the sun could have melted the blue right off the sky. Then the sky could be as miserable as I was. As I write this, their self-titled album is on. Settle Down is now playing throughout the house. I tapped my bare feet on the floor. As I nodded my head to the beat. Sometimes I caught my mum swinging her hips to this song while preparing our lunch and I’d smile. And she’d smile. It was like we shared a secret.

Now I need to take a short break from writing because Robbers‘ now playing. Showing some respect for my favorite song. It’s one of my life songs. I have been listening to this song for years already and the feeling is still the same. For me to be able to finish this song, I always scream the lyrics on top of my lungs and do some weird noises one after another. Fact: I put the song on repeat to complete this paragraph and it’s now on its third time.

If I may remember it was 2013 when I fell in love with the band. I was in school that time and we have a school fair and they were playing Chocolate while I’m eating my ever-favorite turon on my way to the field. When I got home I listen to it on YouTube and printed out its lyrics. The first song I memorized from the band. I won’t forget it.

I’m really excited for their concert here in the Philippines this coming September 11, 2019 at Mall Of Asia Arena, Pasay City. I still don’t have ticket but I’m planning to buy VIP Standing or Patron Center. I really wanted to be there. I want to see them perform live.

The 1975, you were my first love. My admiration for you blossomed first; my love for you will remain forever. I will be a fan of your music until the end of time. I love you guys—for always!

Oh Well, It’s Sunday | 01

Why does it feel like January is 999 days long? Is it just me or the last few days of the previous month long as hell? I’m convinced February is about to feel twice as long as January. But moving on, I’m glad that I survived the first two days of the “love month” and I’m now on the verge of ending the third day.

The week before today have been really draining to the point where I exhausted all my energy crying. So many things had happened and the upcoming days will change my life, seriously. Why is it that my “plot twist” happening too soon? Gonna share this story soon but not tonight. Promise, I will.

CURRENTLY

Reading

the last few chapters of Shaun David Hutchinson’s We Are The Ants. I first read this book in 2017, the second time feels like it was my first time reading this book. It feels the same. Still loving Henry and Diego’s character.

Writing

this blog for tonight. This is going to be my every-Sunday-night-story update.

Listening

to Robyn’s Missing U on her first solo album Honey. What I like about Robyn is her falsetto, she was like sighing and its acrobatic. The way her echoes in the vacuum between kickdrums, reaching blindly into “this empty space you left behind,” simply existing in loss. This realm is so eerie and empty it sounds post-apocalyptic, as synths interject like torturous memories, and the drums insist on their dull throb of grief, pushing home the devastating coda: “All the love you gave/It still defines me.” Obviously, it’s my favorite song on her album.

Albums on queue are Blood Orange’s Negro Swan, H.E.R.’s self-titled album, and Joji’s BALLADS 1. I’m into soulful music now and is currently diving into these great artists craft. Give credit where is due, as they say.

Honey by Robyn

Negro Swan by Blood Orange

H.E.R.’s self-titled album

BALLADS 1 by Joji

Watching

Shane Dawson’s part 1 of his first Conspiracy Theories series for this year. I can’t wait until Wednesday for him to upload the second part of the series.

Thinking

of what’s going to happen in my life for the next coming week. As what I have said, it will definitely change me and my life. Also thinking about where am I going to spend my money. Should I buy a ticket for Troye Sivan’s Bloom Tour here in Manila this coming May or should I pay fully my dentist for my dental braces or buy a dslr. I don’t know.

Smelling

freshly-changed linen. Every week I’m changing my bed sheets and pillowcases including my favorite longer-than-me-bolster-pillow that I got when I was 18.

Wishing

for the days to move faster until that day.

Hoping

that the upcoming days will be less emotional for me. Also hoping that everything will get better for me and my mum. I hated everyone this week.

Wearing

micro-mini shorts and satin polo in silver. My sleep wear for the week I guess. Haha.

Feeling

anxious and excited for the turn of events.

I really do hope that you are all having a peaceful Sunday! They say that life get’s better every single day. I’ll try to keep that in mind. But for now let me just enjoy listening to these amazing melancholic music. Good night and don’t let the bed bugs bite you.

Not A Special Snowflake

Life is bullshit.

Considering my life for a moment. Thinking about all those little rituals that sustain me throughout my day—from the moment I wake up until that cold, midnight hour when I listened to really loud music just to drown out the persistent voice in my head. The one that whispers I should give up, give in, that tomorrow won’t be better than today.

Think about the absurdity of life. Knowing that there are infinite copies of me. Despite living my entire life believing, I am not a special snowflake. Somewhere out there another me is living my life. Chances are, they’re living it better. Some of them might be doctors, engineers, lawyers, and business tycoons already. And here I am, hitting the sheets hours past midnight waiting for the cocks to crow as the sun began to rise.

But does it matter? My answer is no. None of it matters. I’ll die, you’ll die, we’ll all die, and the things we’ve done, the choices we’ve made, will amount to nothing.