Ended Up A Loser

A day filled with outpouring hearts evidently shown with all these love-related paraphernalia all around — these bloody balloons, odorless flowers in dull colors and high in sugar pastries. I am so sick of this clichés on Valentines Day. It really gets into my nerve seeing couples exchange false promises and nonsense “I love you’s” to each other. Bitter, who, me? I may be. You can think of many reasons why am I like this but believe me I won’t spare you my  life — because it will be that long, talking about it will consume too much of your short life.

I wrote these words inside the chilly train going home. As cold as him. While writing this, a couple caught my attention that is seated two seats away beside me. I have lost count on how many stations have been passed and still have their hands tightly tangled. It’s kinda annoying because the girl seats in front of his boyfriend so whenever someone walks past between them, they need to remove their hands and then does it again and again and again. So, yeah, that was not the real story. I just wanted to share it.

The real story is this. We were on a convenience store drinking milk tea’s dominated by ice cubes that I finally think of how to lighten up the place amidst the sad love songs played on the background. What if we play a game, I said. The deal is, the first man who enters and falls on the categories we all agreed upon will be his/her boyfriend or soul mate. For example, the guy who enters first and wears a black shirt and carries a phone with him whose age is between 18 to 25 years old will be his/her boyfriend. And it goes the way we like it. Our eyes locked on the door of the store whenever  a gentleman burst into the door and find ourselves laughing and teasing each other. Basha gets to be the first to have found her soul mate and then Clang follows, after her is Renier and Hera — though, Hera took a while to look for his lover boy and it’s really worth the wait. And the last to ever, if not, found a soul mate would be me.

They all give their own category; each one of them. Renier said that the lad should be wearing his school uniform. Clang added that he must also have earphones plugged in. Hera said that this dude must be at least 18 to 25-year-old looking. When the categories have been laid on the table we were excited to see who he might be. And then I wait along with them. After five minutes nobody still enters. So, we wait. 10 minutes, 15, 20, and so on that no one even dares to make an entrance. Three melancholic love songs had been played. After I have waited long enough, boredom takes over me. It is not just the feeling of being indifferent but longing — that eagerness to finally feed my yearning for someone who will be my soul mate. In the very first place I understood all that in my head, thoughts of having a fictional character boyfriend, but still I did not believe it in my heart. Probably most of what I thought I understood about love has turned out to be wrong.

We abandoned the store and head to the mall. While we’re walking toward it, they all looked at me like I was wounded. Like I was a painful sunset to watch. Sinkholes on my heart started to form into giant craters.


I ask myself why am I feeling this sudden jolt of emotion for someone to fill the void. But I can’t answer myself either. Maybe I know the answer but I don’t want to know it for myself to get struck by reality. The game I started and manipulated for quite some time will become strange to us. The time we spent playing it might consume us a hundredfold as a payback. I hate losing. But it is the way I used to create it. I like seeing people lose in the game I made but it turned out the other way.


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