That Desire To Have A Good Day On My Birthday: A Wish

Birthdays. From my classmates to my friends and to my family, everyone wishes me a happy one. My enthusiasm on celebrating my own birthday was gone long time ago. It’s not that I hate it, exactly, but I just don’t see the need to make a big fuss about it annually. Unfortunately, my birthday coincide with the start of the Christmas season, too, so everyone is too busy to give a damn time on my special day.

Most of all, though, the reason I no longer look forward to my birthdays as much as I once did is because we no longer have that huge amount of money back when my mom still working overseas and also I’m missing a key person to celebrate with me—dada (that’s what I call my father). My birthdays just haven’t been the same since.

My mudra (that’s what I call my mom), of course, always wishes me a happy birthday. But that was it. But seriously I am very fine with that—greet me, give me a birthday cake, and cook spaghetti for me. I defined the word exciting for you.

Many years ago, as a child, I had this feeling that my birthdays should always be magical, but carrying that expectation into adulthood often leads to disappointment which leads to sadness. Because I’m that person who tends to focus on what things “should be” rather than “what is”. As I got older, I can feel it that my birthday celebration started to fizzle out. Honestly, I felt neglected and unloved.

Of course, as we age, it seems that there should be changes in terms of how we feel on our birthdays. I am talking about that certain need to feel significant and to be acknowledge by loved ones.

To tell you, I have been anxious for days of planning some treats for myself, because nobody would do that for me; like buying myself a present or going to places I have made memories with the people I treasured the most.

But here I go again, finding people who would accompany me to celebrate my day. Looking forward on seven more days in dealing with underlying feelings of grief, frustration, sadness, and low self-esteem.

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Annihilate This Place

In a chaotic world I live

Boom box blaring, glass clatters on the table

I hear loud and clear

That dreadful reek from the dried grass,

inhaled by poor immatured lungs

All that exists in this awful place, 
taken away by the bubbles

A hellish place, unimaginable

True enough it is real

Thick-skinned beast cachinnates, mutating into something more vicious

It continues,

the monster in them grew

I am running, 

from the very beginning I am running

Abandoning this place for good,

and will never come back.

Never.

Saved By The Bell

It was drizzling outside, the temperature inside the hall is extremely cold. I just think that normally it consume too much time to cool this hefty hall we were in but yesterday was different, it feels like seconds were only needed to fill the hall with chilly air. I can feel it on the marble floor I was seated on, I’ll be numb by then, we’ll all be after this.

Second day of theater workshop; now, dealing with sadness after joy. Life is really too ironic. It takes happiness to know what sadness is. Like dark clouds behind a more darker clouds.

We have two mentors for this specific workshop, everyone will share their own rock bottom story and how they deal with it. When it was already my turn to share “my story” I am not comfortable opening up to anybody who is not a part of my family or within the circle of my friends. I am afraid that I might be judged by them. But today I was able to share some part of “my story”. Recollecting all those moments I had with my father, back on the day when I was eight years old. I promised myself that I won’t shed a tear. I don’t like people who I don’t consider to be friends with see me cry. Glad that my professor asked our mentor to come over so she could mentor the other group. Heaven is still good to me.

I wouldn’t be able to see anymore if I cried yesterday at the workshop because it was like a waterfall cascading down my eyes to a point where not a thing can stop it from falling. So I didn’t cry because I don’t want to be blind.

Me, No Longer There

It’s working, these green leaves have learn to pretend not to move even though the wind surges, vigorously. A solitary Tree was the only living thing that can be found remaining instill on the ground.

Amused Electricity Post asked the Tree, “how on earth were you not uprooted, and your leaves doesn’t seemed to be afraid of the wind?” Tears cascading from the Tree’s eyes, it replied, “you know, the worst kind of pain is not being able to tell anyone how you endured it.”

The Prisoner

Sunlight peaks through the window, wondering why its scattered and not in the window’s shape.

Pile of leaves are burning, it was green and then brown, but now it’s black as charcoal. Embers flew. Two colors of gases intertwined, moving in an upward direction, synchronized—vertical line was formed.

Your dreamland inhales the fume, it saw the prisoner; viciously, it exhales the smoke. Towards the captive for the last time, threatens to devour everything.

It took everything like it said.

Forcefully, your dreamland inhales once more. Through the vortex, smoke starts to vanish from the burnt leaves. Nothing can be save from the ashes and gray smoke of this purposeless life.

Even The Happiest Bee Can’t Make Me Happy

If I knew where to go I’d have already left the Earth, I don’t know, it feels like I am too much to bear by myself anymore.

I am not sad but I am not exactly happy either. I can laugh and joke and smile during the day, but sometimes when I’m alone at night I forget how to feel.

I have known what it’s like to have no one to talk to, I have known what it’s like to have no one on your side, I have known what it’s like to keep everything in, I have known how it felt like to be betrayed and abandoned by someone.

What did I do wrong? Living?

We Are All Alone After All, Aren’t We?

Three minutes past midnight. First and foremost, I do not recommend to anyone who is as sad as me to watch a melancholic local film about alien abduction at past midnight while you’re all alone in your house. It does no good. Especially to a person like me who suffers i-don’t-know-what.

I seldom post anything about “being alone” because people would think that whenever I go out alone is that because a) all my friends declined my invite b) my friends doesn’t like what we’re about to do or c) it’s just because I don’t have friends anymore. Well, I believe the latter part.

I do not like people to think that I am alone because I don’t have friends anymore to be with and that I deserve being “all alone” because that’s karma attacking me. I don’t want pity from anybody who acts like they were there to help me but not.

I’m aware that my attitude is the worst. But do I deserve to feel abandoned, like I’m cloistered from everything. It feels like anytime soon I am ready to be abducted by aliens. They said that it is a privilege to be abducted by these extraterrestrial being because it means that you don’t deserve the earth anymore and that they were taking us to a place where we will feel eternal happiness and that we won’t feel any pain and heartbreaks. Isn’t it great? If that’s the place where these aliens will take me to then I am hundred percent ready to go.

Ready to go.