Wandering Thoughts

Nothing compares to a late night walk with my best of friends. We just let our thoughts be taken away by the dark. We lose ourselves from that delusion of finding utopia. Striding out of nowhere, traversing that path less travel by many.

I want to get lost with them.

Imagining what destination we will be in. The problem with us is that we were constantly thinking that someday we will be happy. That feeling, you know, where we will get that car for our midnight adventures or that job that will give us money for our local trip or our out-of-the-country escapades, or finding that right person in our lives that will fix everything. But we were wrong thinking that happiness as a destination.

Talking with these people who has such great minds helps me understand that it is not a destination. Happiness is a condition. It’s like being angry or sad after watching 500 Days Of Summer, or feeling sorry for me after hearing my story about that guy in the past; what we felt is not permanent, it comes and it goes, and i think that’s okay. If people would only think that way, they’d find happiness a lot more often.

There is a rarity of good people. It’s a needle in a haystack. I am fortunate to have them. I really do.


Enchanted Kingdom: The Tale Of A Magical Place

I was able to experience what it’s like to live in utopia for about a day; exactly at my birthday! I couldn’t hide my excitement to be here in this place again for the third time. It feels so good to reminisce that seven-hour euphoria again. I wanted to be happy and to get away from everything so I really asked my best friend to join me since her birthday was two days before mine and we can bond again after weeks of not seeing each other.

It was the first time for us to go together far from her hometown. So I thought this was one of those “best friend moments” we have created and we will be creating that will be added on our memories.

I had two options for my birthday celebration, the first one is to hike Mount Daraitan in the province of Rizal, and to experience again this magical place. So I chose the latter. There’s a lot of promos everywhere for birthday celebrants. Buffets, salons, travel fares, theme parks, etc. I checked Enchanted Kingdom’s website to see if they are giving away discounts for people who wants to celebrate their special day on their theme park. Gladly, I was not dissapointed. Mine and Laviña’s (my best friend) entrance ticket will be free, we just need to show them our birth certificate and any valid ID. We were really elated because we didn’t spend our money for the tickets and we still have so much money to spend on foods and souvenirs.

That day I tell myself that we will make the most out of it because again I really wanted to make myself happy and see myself to genuinely smile again after a very long time. I want to unlearn some of my negative behavior and thought patterns. I have too much reality so I want to forget all that. I want to feel the wind blowing my hair while riding their Space Shuttle. I want to chase the sunset inside the gondolas of their Wheel of Fate. Shouting with people I don’t know while going 180° on their Anchors Away. Going back to my younger self atop the horses of their Grand Carousel. I want to make memories. I want to feel alive again. That’s all.

I was so stoked when I knew I would be spending my special day with my best friend. First thing that came to my mind: HAPPINESS. We started to go on wheels in the morning so we will be there before lunchtime. I can still remember how it felt to wake up really happy and with full of excitement. Though, I was dragging myself out of bed that time because it was too early and the weather outside is telling me not to take a bath and to just stay on bed. But I got up really quick. I’m in my black and gold satin long-sleeved polo, beige-ish cropped trouser, and in my two-inch height boots. I am golden! I must say. 

We got there 30 minutes before the park opens. So we took a couple of photos outside. Finally, after the EK employees welcomed us on their dancing shoes we went first to take photos with Eldar and a princess-i-don’t-know. 

We managed our time very well—experienced different rides and taking photos here, there, and everywhere. The intermittent drizzle won’t stop us from having fun. And in the words of a singer-I-don’t-know and from a song-I-barely-heard “nothing’s gonna stop us now”.

We enjoyed all the rides we have been to. But what I liked most about that day is we were able to ride the Space Shutte thrice, the first one was an hour before the two consecutive rides on the late afternoon. A heart-pounding and an exhilarating ride I will never forget. I screamed on top of my lungs. I didn’t mind at all what will going to happen on my vocal chords. I screamed like there is no tomorrow. Yelling all the negativities I had into thin air until it vanished.

My favorite part of my birthday is that from all the employees assigned on the turnstiles located at entrance to welcome guests, to the employees tasked to help the people before and after enjoying the rides, up to the animated performers on the park’s avenues—greeted us a cheerful “Happy Birthday!”. How do they know that it’s our birthday? Well, at the entrance they gave us the pink-bracelet-like-tickets that means it’s our hella-day (also it means that we didn’t pay for the tickets because we don’t have the money. Lol.) Literally beaming because I can’t count all the birthday greetings I received from people I don’t know personally. What a nice gesture, right?

I realized that I was really blessed to live a life full of experience, either bad or good. I can say that I have lived the past 19 years of my life worth reading. Given the chance, I would really want to go back to Enchanted Kingdom once again anytime soon. I wouldn’t mind If it rains hard or I am alone. Every so often, I get this feeling of longing for my life when I was a kid with nothing too serious to think about. It was a whole lot different from how my life is going at present. I can say that my seven-hour stay in Enchanted Kingdom would be one of the best birthday celebrations I had as well as the best moments of my life.

That Desire To Have A Good Day On My Birthday: A Wish

Birthdays. From my classmates to my friends and to my family, everyone wishes me a happy one. My enthusiasm on celebrating my own birthday was gone long time ago. It’s not that I hate it, exactly, but I just don’t see the need to make a big fuss about it annually. Unfortunately, my birthday coincide with the start of the Christmas season, too, so everyone is too busy to give a damn time on my special day.

Most of all, though, the reason I no longer look forward to my birthdays as much as I once did is because we no longer have that huge amount of money back when my mom still working overseas and also I’m missing a key person to celebrate with me—dada (that’s what I call my father). My birthdays just haven’t been the same since.

My mudra (that’s what I call my mom), of course, always wishes me a happy birthday. But that was it. But seriously I am very fine with that—greet me, give me a birthday cake, and cook spaghetti for me. I defined the word exciting for you.

Many years ago, as a child, I had this feeling that my birthdays should always be magical, but carrying that expectation into adulthood often leads to disappointment which leads to sadness. Because I’m that person who tends to focus on what things “should be” rather than “what is”. As I got older, I can feel it that my birthday celebration started to fizzle out. Honestly, I felt neglected and unloved.

Of course, as we age, it seems that there should be changes in terms of how we feel on our birthdays. I am talking about that certain need to feel significant and to be acknowledge by loved ones.

To tell you, I have been anxious for days of planning some treats for myself, because nobody would do that for me; like buying myself a present or going to places I have made memories with the people I treasured the most.

But here I go again, finding people who would accompany me to celebrate my day. Looking forward on seven more days in dealing with underlying feelings of grief, frustration, sadness, and low self-esteem.

Annihilate This Place

In a chaotic world I live

Boom box blaring, glass clatters on the table

I hear loud and clear

That dreadful reek from the dried grass,

inhaled by poor immatured lungs

All that exists in this awful place, 
taken away by the bubbles

A hellish place, unimaginable

True enough it is real

Thick-skinned beast cachinnates, mutating into something more vicious

It continues,

the monster in them grew

I am running, 

from the very beginning I am running

Abandoning this place for good,

and will never come back.


Saved By The Bell

It was drizzling outside, the temperature inside the hall is extremely cold. I just think that normally it consume too much time to cool this hefty hall we were in but yesterday was different, it feels like seconds were only needed to fill the hall with chilly air. I can feel it on the marble floor I was seated on, I’ll be numb by then, we’ll all be after this.

Second day of theater workshop; now, dealing with sadness after joy. Life is really too ironic. It takes happiness to know what sadness is. Like dark clouds behind a more darker clouds.

We have two mentors for this specific workshop, everyone will share their own rock bottom story and how they deal with it. When it was already my turn to share “my story” I am not comfortable opening up to anybody who is not a part of my family or within the circle of my friends. I am afraid that I might be judged by them. But today I was able to share some part of “my story”. Recollecting all those moments I had with my father, back on the day when I was eight years old. I promised myself that I won’t shed a tear. I don’t like people who I don’t consider to be friends with see me cry. Glad that my professor asked our mentor to come over so she could mentor the other group. Heaven is still good to me.

I wouldn’t be able to see anymore if I cried yesterday at the workshop because it was like a waterfall cascading down my eyes to a point where not a thing can stop it from falling. So I didn’t cry because I don’t want to be blind.

Me, No Longer There

It’s working, these green leaves have learn to pretend not to move even though the wind surges, vigorously. A solitary Tree was the only living thing that can be found remaining instill on the ground.

Amused Electricity Post asked the Tree, “how on earth were you not uprooted, and your leaves doesn’t seemed to be afraid of the wind?” Tears cascading from the Tree’s eyes, it replied, “you know, the worst kind of pain is not being able to tell anyone how you endured it.”

The Prisoner

Sunlight peaks through the window, wondering why its scattered and not in the window’s shape.

Pile of leaves are burning, it was green and then brown, but now it’s black as charcoal. Embers flew. Two colors of gases intertwined, moving in an upward direction, synchronized—vertical line was formed.

Your dreamland inhales the fume, it saw the prisoner; viciously, it exhales the smoke. Towards the captive for the last time, threatens to devour everything.

It took everything like it said.

Forcefully, your dreamland inhales once more. Through the vortex, smoke starts to vanish from the burnt leaves. Nothing can be save from the ashes and gray smoke of this purposeless life.